Life

Emotion

2005-10-29T01:31:00.000-07:00

What is emotion? It can make a person feel esctatic, heavenly , and then allow a person to fall into the deep abyss of pain, horror and sorrow. To function usefully in this world, a person has to be devoid of all emotions. Not being cold-blooded per se, but being subjective towards whatever task at hand. Emotions are always the root of all consequent bad decisions, and every human being are slaves to emotional turmoil. I need to be able to supress all these emotional turmoil in order to help myself out of inefficiency and lousy judgements......

Chillin out

2005-06-05T06:40:00.000-07:00

Just came back from Malacca... its was'nt exactly fun, but i had to obliged my mum and accompany her and my dad. The whole trip was all about travelling from places to places in a bus. I was like sleepin my way thru out the whole of the bus ride, only to be interrupted sporadically by the tour guide to get down the bus and have a look at the "places of interest" which bored me so much that I literally felt like killin myself...immediately after reachin home, i juz switch on my com to check my e-mail, turn on Zouk Rhythm, and sippin my er..."coke". tis life man...suddenly i thought of goin to work the next day...sux..felt like vomittin...anyway, i gonna bring some of the foodstuff i bought from Malacca to office tomorrow, so as to pacify my "merciless" colleagues who will relentlessly nagged at me if i dont bring anything to them tomorrow...

Idealism

2005-05-22T03:43:00.000-07:00

Idealism is an doubled-edged sword. No doubt having ideals can actually spur pp to greater heights, when they have optimistic viewpts and truly believe that only the sky is the limit. However, I realised that in today's society,esp in Singapore, people are setting too high and therefore unrealistic goals for themselves. This is when idealism becomes a dangerous tool of mankind. It can drive a person to total desperation, even to point of insanity. We go around telling pp that nothing is impossible, so as to simply bring hope to pp who are at difficult crossroads of their lives. However, when "nothing is impossible" becomes so ingrained into a person that it becomes his or hers mantra, way of life, extremism is bound to happen in some stage. I am beginning to feel the cracks of some of my friends with highly idealistic values, who are beginning to have serious doubts not in their valus, but the environment that they are in. Forcing themselves to pull away from the public, whom they think are mindless creatures that only knows how to lead the mundane lives, never improvin. I once had that kind of idealism in me too, but luckily I am someone who is pretty able to adapt, therefore only suffered some minor cuts. I myself is also constantly fighting myself against goin way too idealistic. Lacking the skills to help my friends, I hope that time will bring light to them, and let nature takes its course.
THE WORLD IS NOT PERFECT....We must no doubt learn to go with the surroundings, and not pit our thinking against what we see around us.....

Death

2005-05-19T08:29:00.000-07:00

It occurs to me that only in the face of death, one is able to willingly face the truth, and to want to live life to the fullest. The living is never gonna understand the precious time that they have now, it is only when the candlelight of life begins to diminish, that one feels regret for things not done, and dreams not fulfilled...or even simple thoughts not materialised...regrets...

Action

2005-05-08T07:56:00.000-07:00

I realise that I am somebody who thinks only, and never have the courage to translate all my thoughts into actions. I know deep inside my heart that if I continue livin like this, I will continue to think myself as a failure for the rest of my life. I fully understand that all the barriers and obstacles I encountered in life originates from myself, my mind. I am limited by my own thoughts, not but the external surroundings. It is up to me whether I have the courage to live out what I truly want, to put all my reservations, worries out of my mind.

Value in Life

2005-05-01T19:33:00.000-07:00

Last night, before I went to sleep, I suddenly realised that I actually believe in something, and that belief is so strong that I think it is the only value I will keep with me till I rest underground . It is kinship. It suddenly occured to me that despite all the fucked-up thoughts in my mind and the pessimisim bothering my actions, I had always placed my family first, on top of anything else. When I first enlisted in the army, I thought of my parents. In the lonely nights in the in Tekong, I was thinking of their healths and wondering how have they been doing. All these were instinctive, like how a kangeroo will place her young in her pouch and protect it from harm. My parents have actually been my one and only beacon of support. In times of difficulties, although I did not actually speak up to them about all my problems, seeing them gives me strength. I do not want to disapoint my parents by revealing weakness and a lack of enthusiam in life. They not only gave me this life, but also had been selflessly giving me whatever things they could possibly afford. I do not take all these for granted. Treasuring them is my prerogrative, above everything else. I dont wanna regret when they are gone, for blaming myself for not doing enough.
My next aim now is to look for a suitable girl, a girl whom I can spent the rest of my life with. I wanna share with her whatever I have and be her constant pillar of support. I will do whatever I can to make her happy, contented. In life, I believe that having the partner should be the next main thing in a person's life. It is in this partner that you may find the strength not only for survival, but the strength to carry out great dreams, with your partner giving all of herself to support you in whatever ways. That is what family is all about. Give and not thinking about return, and doing all these instinctively, self-consciously, because you truly want your love one to be happy.
I am happy that I found out something very important in my life, because for the past 2 years or more I had only been thinking of either materialistic gains or personal gratifications and dreams. As humans, we must understand that the world is interconnected, and we need each other for survival. Be it friends or kins, it is always very difficult to be living alone in this world. However, I strongly believe that only family can last throughout the whole of your life, and it is family that can truly make a person HAPPY.....

Sianz

2005-04-08T22:40:00.000-07:00

Today i woke up much later then usual....at 0915 instead of the usual 0630. No need to work today, but actually i planned wake up around 0730 to work out and do my 5km run tis morning, but Mr Zzz got me instead....feeling very bored now, actually thought that I will be outside with my usual frenz, des n aaron n co. But they not free, so i will only be meeting up with aaron later in the evening, to get some clothes for myself and present for terence. AAron told me he failed his tp today, so i feel sorry for him. U juz need luck in tis kind of test.
Anyway, now in msn chatting with ah beng n my jc classmate. feeling very bo liao now....dunno wat to do...no aim...cant wait to go university and get my life back
I feel very restrained workin in the office. Everybody seems to be very busy, no one to talk to. My colleagues all from auntie and uncle brigade, dunno wat to talk to them about. Except for the girl who always pass me stuff for me to check, but she called me "boy", and i think she at most only 24, 25 and she called me boy.... {irritating}
very bored...think workin is my life now... at least my mind seems focused and calmer when i workin....dont mind workin in the weekends as well...can meet chais too ha!

Excitement

2005-03-01T19:07:00.000-08:00

Currently, I got the job as an outdoor sales personnel. I hate the idea of going around persuading people to buy some idiotic products which I think only idiots will buy. My boss is good though, as he managed to sell 15 boxes of watches in less than 4 hrs, with each box costing 20 bucks. I juz wanna learn how to communicate with people, as I am naturally not a good talker, or should I say I am someone with low confidence level. I was thinking that this experience might open me up and make me a more confident person as a whole. I am also trying to get into the Universtiy Scholar Programme at NUS. Again, I think its some snobberish programme with very articulate but proud people with no inkling of the vices of society. Highly idealistic people I should say. Again, I wanna expose myself to more people and more stuff, to learn more about the world. I am a comfortable hermit, but there is a special force in me that is forcing me to be more vocal, more in sync in society, than to isolate myself from all the ugliness of the world. I hope all these can help to clear all those irritating theoretical thoughts about the world, and make me less anxious about anything i do. I also plan to pick up Malay, and maybe go for diving in july. My motto now is do then think, not think then do, and then regret my decision for not trying out.
Brave new world man!

ORD Life

2005-02-06T01:45:00.000-08:00

Waiting to book in the lazt few times, yet no feeling of excitement....numbed...... Listening to Zouk Flava my friend Aaron juz pass to me.... a cool and funky disc....makes u cool as well.... Think I will go and buy a Malay language book to teach myself Malay these few days..... I borrowed a lot of books. I am now halfway through Dan Brown's Angels and Demons, but I still went to the library to borrow Tony Parson's Man and Wife and Mario Puzo's The Family. Guess I'm a "pop" reader.... I only read popular books or books that are brought to the screen. I read Girl with the pearl earring...thought it will be an arty-farty book, turn out to be a simple book with simple English with a touching love relationship... The same happened for Graham Greene's End of Affair. I like reading, yet my English doesnt improve proportionally with the no of books i read....guess either the way i read is wrong or my brain isnt for literature....

Thailand

2005-02-03T19:36:00.001-08:00

I realize that the reason why I am such a sucker for movies is because I live vicarously through movies. I have always wanted an exciting and adventurous life, one that is not only fraught with danger, but also free of consequences. That is also the reason why I enjoy being in the army despite its authoritative nature, since I was able to do stuff which I will not do in my free will. I was sent to Thailand and attached to ATEC for evaluation of 1 SIR combat proficiency. The whole trip lasted 22 days. Initially, I was apprehensive of staying so long away from home However, in retrospect, I find the whole trip pretty enriching. I like the idea of being isolated from my own world and immensed into a totally alien culture which is extremely beautiful in its own ways. In this sense, I was doing something different, as I was experiencing and exploring a different world not through movies, but really feeling and touching it. During the 4 days 3 nights exercise, I found myself absolutely mesmerised by the scenery that I normally see on TV...The golden hills, the dry plains tinted with specks of brown and orange, the vast land of crops, the greenery of sugercane and rice plantations, the crossing of road of cows, the colour contrast of the lotus and its breeding ground, children in shabby clothes playing behind decapitated houses, youngsters zapping around with old-fashioned motorcycles, big trucks lit with colourful light bulbs transporting sugarcanes.......
In one instance, my rover was parked near to some villagers as we were involved in the guiding of troopers into their checkpoints. Then, my RTA liasion officer invited some of the children over. I passed some of our combat rations to them, and I could see that they were really happy to have the biscuits and fruit bars. My RTA liasion explained to me that to them, our combat rations are stuff they cant possibly afford.
The Thais are generally amicable people with absolutely no ulterior motives. Conversations with them are frank and honest, no hints of innuendos. They are people who you can easily talk and joke with, as compared to Singaporeans. The ladies there are demure and understanding, and there's a tint of reservation in them that make them attractive.....Simple and pure.....Innocent and honest....The beauty of thai woman(pui ying sui mak)
Sometimes, I juz feel like throwing away everything I have now and fly back to Thailand, so as to live among the locals and assimilate myself into their culture. Maybe I will just pay a villager a few hundred thai baht to live with them for 6 months. I will then ride motorcycle around to sell stuffs, help out with the ploughing of their fields, rear the cattles, and then at the end of each day, sum up everything in a diary. I will not bring any form of communication devices, so as to like sort of desurface myself from the world, maybe I will bring some cash and my POSB debit card. Maybe I can find a lady there and court her by the river, tease her among the plains.....one day even vouching to stay by her for the rest of my life, and start a family there...... This is so beautiful, something I really really yearn for, but a part of me tell me I have a function here in my world, here in Singapore. I am to go to uni, find a steady job to support my parents, find one Singaporean girl and marry her. Somewhere in the future I will have to solidify my career so as to provide for my family, and finally resting in Mandai Crematorium.....Totally different lives...... People say you have a choice, yet you know that the choice is not given......

2004-09-05T07:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, i just feel the redundancy of living in this world. It is so forgettable, nothing memorable for me. How I wish my life to be as colourful as the protagonists of novels and movies, exciting yet fraught with danger, blissful but hateful......I myself never having the opportunity to feel all these, my feelings so mild.....no love,loathing,sadness......just so plain. I hope I can have the courage to be adventurous enough to climb Mount Everest, sail to Antartica, touch the pyramid in Egypt, feel the naked warmth of the woman of my life. This is so unreal, and yet it is real to the world.